Self-Soothing After a Breakup

Jun 20

Yeah, breakups feel horrible and really hard—in fact, that is probably an understatement. It feels like you’re ripping someone out of your life who is intertwined in your DNA or something… or some other cheesy metaphor that I can’t think of right now.

Many of your neural pathways make you think of them. Maybe when you’re at the grocery store and see their favourite snack or something happens in your day and your first thought is “oh, I can’t wait to tell them”. Well, thankfully, it will get better and those automatic thoughts will change but it takes time.

I know, it’s not what you want to hear when you’re going through it. You want to be able to do something to feel better. I get it.

You might not be able fast forward through all the feelings, but you can start with self-compassion and remind yourself that you will get through this.

Start with Self-Soothing

Self-soothing are behaviours that you can do to begin regulating your emotions in a comforting way. It’s a bunch of little things that add up. Since you probably feel really unbalanced and “not like yourself” if you’re currently going through a breakup, try and keep an open mind. Remember, you can try out a bunch of different things first and then decide what works best for you. You don’t have to be “perfect” at it.

Start with Saying These Things Out Loud to Yourself

“It’s okay.”

“You are enough.”

“You will get through this.”

“You are a good person.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“You’re going to get through this”

Saying “you” instead of “I” can make it easier to actually believe the message as you work towards trying to be your own friend. Think about it this way: Sometimes, you believe what a friend tells you when it’s about yourself more than when you tell yourself. So, using “you” makes it easier to believe the message.

Also, it’s normal if you’re having a surge of negative self-talk during/after a breakup. It’s a stressful time! Just remind yourself that it’s okay, and in addition to whatever you are saying to yourself, say the things listed above. Remember, it’s a process. Also, saying them out loud makes it easier for you to slow down and listen to what you are actually saying.

Feeling it in Your Body

If you take a second and notice how your body feels, what do you notice? Maybe your shoulders are tense? Maybe your stomach feels off? How’s your head?

It’s normal to feel your emotions in your body, to feel the tension. Part of mindfulness is bringing attention to that, noticing how your body feels, and slowly releasing some of that tension.

Some ways to try muscle relaxation are:

-Belly breathing

-Progressive muscle relaxation

-Meditation (have you seen the ones on Netflix by Headspace?)

Feel free to ask me about any of those in session if you need help getting started. I love teaching clients about belly breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and other mindful and meditation techniques.

Could Also try:

-Booking a massage

-Using a foam roller

It’s also okay to eat some junk food—get your favourite snack. Remember to give yourself a break! You’re doing your best, and it’s normal for you not to be “perfect.” Also, try and eat a healthy meal too, because you might feel a little better after. It’s okay to do both. Don’t try and cut out all the junk food right now.

Lean on Friends

Text your friends! Your brain might tell you that you’re bothering them and that they’re going to think you’re crazy, but trust me, they won’t. If you still aren’t sure, just ask them to tell you, if you spilling all of your intense thoughts and feelings, is too much and they need a break. They love you, so trust that they can tell you when they need a break.

Chances are that they’re going to give you some much needed perspective (hey, most of us have been through breakups before and get it). They are also going to give you some much needed compassion! You need to hear what they are going to say.

Plus, being vulnerable with them gives them permission to be vulnerable with you and ultimately deepens your friendship.

Movement

Try and get some movement in. This one might seem kind of hard, but it does help.

Even if you just get yourself to the gym for 10 minutes or go for a 10-minute walk or do some jumping jacks in your living room! Moving your body helps your nervous system relax; plus, doing some self-care habits gives you that feeling of “okay good, at least I did something good for myself today.”

Feeling the Feelings

It’s okay to cry or scream or just have a day in bed. Releasing, feeling, and sitting with your emotions and feelings is okay. It’s hard tolerating the unpleasantness of breakup feelings, but it is important.

Doing it a little bit at a time is also a good idea. Imagine a pop bottle that you are unscrewing and letting a little bit of the carbonation out, then you close it. Do that again the next day and the next. That is kind of like feelings—a little bit at a time is good. You don’t have to deal with it all at once.

It’s probably going to feel like a rollercoaster or like waves, but that’s okay. Remember, you won’t feel like this forever. It’s hard to navigate, and it’s normal to feel like you can’t handle it. Try and remember that you can. You are stronger than even you think.

More Self-Soothing Ideas

Try some of these things to see if they help:

-Spend time with your pet (do they like cuddling, going for walks?)

-Journal your feelings (don’t judge them, just write/type)

-Watch a movie (get cozy with a blanket and a snack)

Maybe there is something you’ve been wanting to try but have been putting off? Try a new hobby! It could be crafting, blogging, roller-skating, skipping, drawing, gardening, knitting, woodworking, bracelet making, learning a new dance routine, cooking new recipes, baking, or something else. Trying out new hobbies that you can do on your own is important because you want to have some activities that will keep you busy in between all the feelings. Also, it is exciting once you finally get the hang of something new, and all those little wins are important.

Ultimately, try and remember that you are going to get through this. It’s okay if it doesn’t feel like that all of the time.

Don’t forget you can also reach out to make a therapy appointment. It can help to have someone to talk through your feelings with! And I encourage you to actually try out some self-soothing techniques. :p.

Tori Myskiw